My Story About Coming Out

I grew up at a time when thinking about coming out was foreign to me, growing up I never knew that there was another way to celebrate my authentic self. According to societal norms, I was supposed to act ladylike, wear dresses, be polite, find a nice guy, get married, and have children. During my pre-teen and early teens, it was acceptable that I was a Tom Boy, again a societal norm that was appropriate for my age, with the expectation I would outgrow those behaviors. Looking back on my youth, those were the happiest days of my childhood. My friends were all boys, I played every sport, fished, climbed trees, built tree forts, skinned my knees without tears, and was my authentic self.

As my childhood transitioned to young adulthood, society's expectations changed. It was no longer acceptable for me to be a Tom Boy. I was expected to wear dresses, be quiet and polite, act like a lady, and find a nice boyfriend. I tried to fit into those gender norms with the fear that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be accepted. I knew who I wanted to be but I also knew that being different meant there were consequences.

I was blessed with my Aunt Cookie (Florence) who was my father’s younger sister and my godmother. She was different. She dressed in pants and t-shirts, wore a men’s watch, had a short haircut, never had a boyfriend (always a special woman friend) and she took me fishing, took me to ball games, played catch with me, and celebrated when I came in with skinned knees and torn pants. She was my first role model. She lived in a time when homosexuality was defined as a mental illness. Yet she celebrated who she was and was perhaps one of the bravest women I have known.

Although I had an amazing role model, I also saw the consequences she suffered for being different. She couldn’t acknowledge her woman friends as anything more than friends, she was often not invited to family events, couldn’t have women friends stay overnight, lost numerous jobs, didn’t attend church (which I know troubled her) and I witnessed tensions within our family at events, the few she was included in. My fear of these consequences led to my long struggle with being my authentic self.                                 

I began drinking and using drugs early on. I denied my authentic self and had lost all the joy I had experienced as a Tom Boy. The more I tried to fit into the gender norms defined by society, the more the drinking, drugs, and destructive behavior increased. I believed I was broken and spent from 16 years old until I was 28 self-medicating, trying to dull the pain and sadness. At 28 years old I kissed a woman and I discovered I wasn’t broken, I was different, I was gay. I was lucky that when I “came out” I was accepted for who I was by the people who mattered most to me.                         

Since embracing my true self, I have worked towards standing tall and proud and fighting for the rights of ALL individuals. In my lifetime I have seen homosexuality removed from the DMS-5, LGBTQ+ people serve in the military, same-sex marriage legalized, protection in the workplace, and people who love each other being able to celebrate that love, just to name a few, and all because of the bravery of those who came before me. Not all individuals have the same level of acceptance that I experience. We still have so much more work to do until ALL INDIVIDUALS are accepted for who they are and can celebrate their true selves.  Let us never forget all who sacrificed for all we have achieved and never stop fighting until ALL INDIVIDUALS can safely be their authentic selves.

Aunt Cookie Thank You for being brave enough for being you so I could be me!